CJOM – Radio Stoner – Brings in Ram Dass
By Stephen Weir
A mostly true dialogue exercise written February 2022 for University of Windsor creative writing course
A scene from a meeting in the Viscount Hotel’s top floor boardroom. The owner, Jeff Silver of Windsor’s money losing FM station is bringing his team upstairs to meet Baba Ram Dass. The Guru of all things hip is about to arrive to reveal his cosmic plan to save the station. Sunflower Sue, the only female deejay in the Detroit/Windsor market has just ended her shift. Jeff has ordered her to work with Mike, the only blind record librarian in North America, to clear out the furniture, it was going to be a sit on-the-floor meeting.
“Sunflower, be a doll and move all the furniture out into the hall. Mike, tie up your dog and make sure he doesn’t piss on the floor, I don’t want that stack of BBMs getting soaked.” ordered Jeff.
He is new to Windsor. He made his fortune building the VOCM radio network in Newfoundland. He bought up CKWW-FM three-months ago, “and b’y gosh, it is going to be best underground station in the market. I didn’t Come From Away to lose money,” he says to the dog. Mike and Sunflower are too busy emptying the boardroom to hear.
“You Windsor peeps are soft. Sunflower you have got to pull your own weight to succeed in radio. Move that furniture pronto. The rest of the on-air crew are probably on the way up, and my plane landed 60-minutes ago with the Baba.”
“ Pull my own weight? “ she huffed. “ I’m 90 lbs. and you want to talk about pulling? You just made me pull a solo all-nighter. Had to have Mike play In A Gadda Da Vida, just so I could get to the can and back before the news.”
“Humph." grunts Sterling to Mike. "Eh, B'y can you feel your way over to window and help her?”
“ Sunflower, count loud and I’ll find ya,” said Mike as he ran into the chair that stood between himself and the couch.
“ Never mind" orders Sterling. "B'y can you at least light some stinky candles. Sunflower since you’re so tiny only take half a toke on this spliff, I call it the St John Stoner”.
Scratch. Poof. Mike lights a wooden kitchen match.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
“ I hear you knocking, but you can’t come in. Kidding. Just kidding. Sunflower, let the DJs in.”
“ G’Day men, I’d call you all be name, but I don’t know ‘em,"s Jeff grants n grins. "Ha. Ha. Ha. Don’t matter anyway given what’s in that the BOOK. The Fall Broadcast Measurement radio listenership numbers. Best have a Spliff; you don’t wanna look at these BOOK numbers sober. With any luck Mike can light you up.”
“ Jeff, who exactly is Baba Ram Dass? Some sort of Yogic Flyer that is going to teach us how to soar – won’t take much of this here St John Stoner to get to float! Gawd glad I didn’t wear a skirt.”
“Close. Baba Ram Dass will be dressed like he was brought up in Madras but he is a true blue Yank. Best friends with Alan G and Timothy Leary.”
“Met him in George Harrison’s ashram. My station in Deer Lake didn’t make last’s Fall BBMs. Fired em all. Took the albums to the dump myself and went Country. Hated to do it, but I tell you boys, Ram Dass is a stress buster. He’s the one he got me to call this station CJOM – the OM is our mantra.”
Knock. Knock. There is someone wanting in. The men and Susie hide their smouldering joints.
“Hi, I’m Sunshine Sally, but Jeff hasn’t figured that out yet so I am now Sunflower Sue in the Morning! Everybody say hello to Baba Ram Dass, Jeff’s personal Guru. Grab a spot on the rug, mind Mike’s seeing eye dog, he don’t see too well either.”
“ Hello my new friends. It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed,1” the Guru told the dozen hipsters and one sleepy eyed German Sheppard.
“Please take each other’s hands. Sally Sue, hold mine.” Baba Ram Dass giggled. He then leaned his head against Sunflower and fell immediately asleep.
“B’y has been out 45 minutes” Jeff was one steaming mad boss man." Bumflower Stu! Give his bald pate a good wake-up Sutra Slap and will get this meeting going.”
“ Huh. I wasn’t sleeping. I was meditating on what we need to do to make CJOM the North America’s most powerful station.”
“ We’re only 500 Watts” interrupted Mike.
“ I mean spiritually. We have 1 million watts of love. From here on we always say Radio is Love. When we answer the phone. When we order TBQ, or ‘mmm, when we ask Jeff’s dealer to bring us a lid of St John Stoner.”
Jeff’s smile begins to melt. He looks at the Baba Ram Dass and snarls, “that’s not going to fly, what else you got?”
“Change the music. No MOOtown. 24/7 of brother Ravi Shankar, The Mothers, Captain Beefheart and the Soft Machine!”
" No? Baba’s voice begins to nervously break. “How about daily love contests Jeff?”
“Now I like that”, his smile starts to return. “B’ys we have worst numbers in the BOOK, money is scarce, we can’t blow our brains on big prizes.”
“Just think cheap Woodstock love. Just think cheap Woodstock love! chants Baba Ram Dass." Once a day we give away Brown Acid Tabs.”
Jeff tries to talk but chokes on his own spit.
“ OK, we save money by making the staff all stay in this boardroom. A 17th floor commune? I can record some evening chants. And we take out the showers, dirt is sacred.”
“ How about draft dodgers living in the library – robes and sandals only? Yes, a giant paisley mural facing Ouellette Street?”
“ Nice touch if ya throw a Volks Beetle for the morning girl,” piped up Sunflower.
“ Getting warmer. Ram you need to tighten up those thoughts. Why don’t you work on them in the plane”, Jeff open the door and ushered out his now former guru.
Slamming the door shut behind him he spoke to his staff. “Horse shit. Free LSD? This man will get me in jail. Ya see the numbers, I’ve got to do something,” he roared. “Who likes Duster music?”
Timidly, Sunflower raises her hand. The rest stay down.
Viscount Hotel - Boardroom - second from top floor
“ Okay out you get. You are all fired. Pick up your cheques in Biff’s Coffee Shop tomorrow”.
Shocked silence and then Sunflower sobbed. The men shuffled out the door nary a word. Mike felt along the wall feeling for the exit out.
“Mike wait. You and the dog want to come for a ride to the dump? Not you either Sunshine. What do you think of Calamity Jane in the Morning as your new moniker?"
sweirsweir February 1, 2022
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