Since when do New Best Friends start the relationship off with a death threat?

Enter The Assassin Scam

Much of my working day is spent as a publicist. I phone. I text. And, I send out a lot of emails. I get even more back... every minute of every hour. I stream tweets and Facebook on my I-Pad clock. No time for friends and it does get very lonely, tolling away in my attic office, trying to make other people loved, respected and famous.

But that has changed. I just got an email from my NBF. Thiocluse Mark. Funny name. Not so funny friend. And English isn't his strong suit. He emailed me today to say that my life is about to end, because someone close to me has already ordered (and paid for) my murder. He and his team have come up from the Philippines to kill me!

Thoicluse has, in his words "ordered 3 (three) of my men to monitor every move of you and and make sure you are not out of site (sic) till the date of your assassination."

Think I spotted one of them pretending he was going through my recycling bin looking for empties. Saw another one pretending she was scooping up after her designer dog on the front lawn. Have not spotted the third operative... yet.

Good news is that Thoicluse has already figured out that I am innocent and if I contact him, he can call off the Hit. Yeah!! So, I guess he is my new best friend, right? He thinks $20,800 should do the trick. But oops, his last email did come with this note.

WARNING: Tell no one about this mail to you because he or she might just be the person who wants you dead, and if that happens, I will be aware and am going to make sure you DIE instantly!

My wife and I have great seats for the dance this Wednesday here in Toronto. Second row. If there is an empty seat you will know that it was not an empty threat from Thiocluse.

And if you are like me and work from home, and need a giggle or two to break the silence and the never ending flood of incoming work, drop Thiocluse a note at either of the addresses below and see if he can call off your hit. He may take Canadian Tire money.

Meanwhile I have added him -- Thiocluse Mark -- to my press list mailing list. If you are a publicist feel free to add him to yours. It is very busy these days. I suspect he will be the one begging for a hit in no time flat. 


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