The Kamala Harris Jape That Wasn’t a Joke
It started as a University of Windsor Creative Writing application. But in my mind, it was also a master plan to save the Auto Pact, fix international trade, and maybe even rejig the White House seating chart.My assignment to myself was simple:
- Write a story so good it saves the Windsor–Detroit auto industry from Trumpian-style tariffs.
- Hand Kamala Harris a shiny new PhD while I’m at it.
Nothing too ambitious.
Here I am, back on campus after 53 years. Most students worry about essays or midterms—I’m plotting a geopolitical coup disguised as creative writing homework. My plan? Write something that knocks the professor’s sandals clean off. Save the auto industry. Rescue Canadian–American relations. Maybe even get tenure while I’m at it.
Clearly, I needed backup. So I formed a secret committee—half Canadian writers, half bewildered classmates, and one smug ex-PMO trade policy influencer whose big idea was to form a tri-city consortium with Windsor, Detroit, and Lansing, starring the Premier of Ontario, the Governor of Michigan, two mayors, and enough auto executives to fill a GM parking lot.
And how would we launch this grand initiative? Why, with the world’s flashiest honorary degree ceremony, of course. Enter: Kamala Harris.
Now, technically, I have no authority whatsoever to hand out PhDs. But details! Who needs them when you’re trying to save democracy and minivans? The idea was simple: University of Windsor would gift Kamala an honorary doctorate, the first from a Canadian institution noting her many acts in favour of world peace while at the same time acknowledging her residency during her teenage years in Canada, and her commitment to her Jamaican American heritage.
Sure, Harris already has half a dozen of these degrees—but none of them came with a Windsor Caesar Casino afterparty. Besides, if the university was handing out degrees, why not slip one my way too? They’re rather sexy-looking.
The proposal was airtight: a grand ceremony, Kamala in academic robes, the whole thing livestreamed. We would of course receive under the table yesses from the Premier, the Governor, the mayors, the auto barons, and—because we’re dreamers—Prime Minister Carney. Black communities on both sides of the border would cheer. The White House would panic-watch from afar. And suddenly, tariffs would melt away, the auto pact would be saved, and Windsor’s Creative Writing Program would be responsible for world peace. You're welcome!
BY STEPHEN WEIR
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